Creating Awareness Around Different Forms of Body Shaming Written by Fritz Nugent & Charissa Sutliff
We’re excited to write this blog. We want to openly talk about our body struggles and how comments made to us in the gym space impact us.
Some of our intentions for writing this article:
For those of us who have had any sort of struggle with our bodies, whether that be a negative body image, body dysmorphia, or eating disorders, we have likely been self conscious of our bodies our entire lives and have spent years trying to change our bodies to fit socially-defined and unrealistic standards of beauty, size and fitness. We are trying to force our bodies into something that according to our genetic blueprint and body set point that it doesn’t want to be, and with all those efforts of trying to force our bodies to fit a round peg into a square hole, we have injured ourselves physically, mentally, hormonally, emotionally, and even spiritually.
I (Charissa) spent years trying to make my body as small as possible, as lean as possible, which hurt me in many ways. I lost my menstrual cycle, and fitness and food were a way to control my body size and looks, not to take care of it. Having now healed my relationship with food and fitness, my body has changed. I will admit that gaining weight was terrifying, I was afraid that a bigger body meant that I wouldn’t be loved, accepted, or seen as a respectable coach. When my body changed, comments and compliments about my body followed. Here are some of the comments that I received. As you read this I would like for you to consider if you have ever said these to someone or how often you say similar comments to others:
While all these comments or compliments were likely with “good intentions” they left me paralyzed not knowing what to say or how to respond. You may not have known, but these comments and or compliments hit me like a wave, and held me under spinning and swirling underwater for a while.
So as coaches and even as people in general, how do we respond in these circumstances? One of the reasons for writing this article is to open people’s eyes to how these seemingly innocent comments hurt people’s feelings and negatively impact them, even if well intentioned.
What is the correct approach here? Should I tell people not to make comments on my body? Should I tell people not to give me compliments about my body? Should I tell people that I’ve struggled with body challenges? Should I tell people they shouldn’t make comments about people’s bodies? Should I ask people why they are making comments on my body? Should I ask people what their intention is behind it? Should I say I focus on how I feel in my body and not what it looks like to shift the conversation?
I’m still working through how this should be done, and I believe that a great start is writing and sharing this blog with the intention of creating an open space and dialogue.
Want to know what else is triggering for some? Comments made about our food choices, like about how much we are eating, what we are eating.
So if you are reading this, I really encourage you from the most loving place to consider the things you say to people about their appearance, their body, their size. You might be joking. You might intend it as a compliment. However, intention does not quell impact. So from one human to another human, step into the shoes of others and really consider that these things you are saying might be more hurtful or harmful and certainly not helpful, even if well-intentioned to you.
When we are looking at people for how they look we are objectifying them, treating them as something to be looked at. This is dehumanizing. What I encourage you to do instead is:
For example:
Charissa could say: “Fritz, every time I see you I am so encouraged by our interactions and conversations. You are so welcoming and open minded. I always leave with an enlightened view of something, encouraged to want to be better myself as a person and as a coach. I am thankful for your energy and who you are.”
Instead of commenting on something physical about Charissa, Fritz could say, “I learn valuable insights each time we interact and I truly enjoy your company. You seem content with who you are and I am inspired by your willingness to speak your truth on your own body image and your religion.”
Here’s some of my (coach Fritz’s) experiences:
I echo coach Charissa’s thoughts. There is a slippery slope when we begin to comment on someone else’s physical appearance, even if well-intended. I am also guilty of this, of course. I have commented on members and fellow coaches, and usually it’s to stroke their ego. I hope that I didn’t offend them.
Echoing Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s, 1963 “I have a dream” speech, “When we can begin to interact with fellow humans focusing on the content of each other’s character instead of physical attributes, the world will become a better place.”
When we focus on the surface of our bodies chasing ego validation, this distracts us from nurturing what our souls deeply crave. We can start this dialogue even in a space like Invictus where people seem to be chasing physicality. I believe that deep down we all seek social connection and personal meaning in this world, which are both rooted infinitely deeper than body composition changes or a socially-accepted body.